I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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