just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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