You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
