Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm gonna fight the coyote
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
