I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
