Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Text me some of your sweat
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