Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Gay?
German.
Pity.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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