i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
