I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
