Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
