So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
