You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
