She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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