He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
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