I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
