Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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