I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize
