Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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