I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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