if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
