My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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