It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
