so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
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You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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