Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
