You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
