I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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