My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
