A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i think i scared a bird with my dick
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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