i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
