when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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