she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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