i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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