do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
