I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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