so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.