you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We are all done wearing pants today
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
