This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
