Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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