Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
i now understand why vodka
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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