and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
