I hate your face
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
