I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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