We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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