i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
