I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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