best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
