I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize