I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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