a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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