Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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