I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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