I look better un-naked...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
