it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
