Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I AM VODKA MAN
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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