don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
