White coat. Heels.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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