phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
