I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I supernannyed him into submission
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
