doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Randomize
